That's precisely the message children derive from common discipline techniques, even though it's not the message most parents intend to send. Kohn cites a body of powerful, and largely unknown, research detailing the damage caused by leading children to believe they must earn our approval.
Yet conventional approaches to parenting such as punishments (including "time-outs"), rewards (including positive reinforcement), and other forms of control teach children that they are loved only when they please us or impress us. One basic need all children have, Kohn argues, is to be loved unconditionally, to know that they will be accepted even if they screw up or fall short. In this truly groundbreaking book, nationally respected educator Alfie Kohn begins instead by asking "What do kids need - and how can we meet those needs?" What follows from that question are ideas for working with children rather than doing things to them. Most parenting guides begin with the question "How can we get kids to do what they're told?" - and then proceed to offer various techniques for controlling them.
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